5 Things: Issue 05
Leading the self
A Reflection
I spend a lot of time thinking about personal development. My own. Others' development. My kids' development. I'm fascinated by the questions, "What makes a person stuck in their ways?" and "Why do we do and say the things we do?"
I'm also intrigued by how our lives can be shaped by our past experiences and decisions. I believe that with the right guidance and support, everyone has the potential to evolve and reach even higher levels of happiness and fulfilment in their lives.
I've been noticing how I've felt frustrated and somewhat powerless over a particular person in my life. I've felt this way about this person on and off for years.
I don't like feeling this way. So I got curious.
In true Sue fashion, I have spent time rummaging through my mental toolbox for lessons I've learned along the way. I asked myself what part of this situation makes me feel stuck and what part do I need to own?
This line of questioning led me back to the idea of boundaries. It dawned on me that the boundaries I had previously set to navigate my interactions with this person had become lax. This realization has helped me take a step back and reassess the situation. Now that I have come to this realization, I can correct my course and regain a sense of equilibrium with this person.
The things that bother you are there for a reason.
The only way to figure out what's going on is to ask yourself 'why'. When you have a problem with something, it’s your issue, nobody else’s. That means it's your responsibility to fix it.
Be honest with yourself about WHY you have a problem with things, people, etc. If you want to stop being bothered, find out WHY. It is only after you have figured that out that you can use your problem-solving skills to resolve the problem. Either cultivate self-awareness, learn from it, and grow, or stay stuck.
As always, the choice is yours.
One Piece of Business Advice
People don’t leave jobs. People leave bosses. And retraining costs companies a lot of money.
Have you ever wondered to yourself, “Why don't people include me in their casual conversations?” “Why do I get into heated arguments? Or, “Why wasn't I chosen to lead this project? I know more than the person they selected.”
When people lack self-awareness, they are often confused by the behaviour others display.
Whether you are self-employed or work for an organization, it's helpful (critical, even) to evaluate your leadership skills. Your ability to handle problems requires self-mastery and leadership. When you master yourself and your emotions, not only do you become an inspiration to others but you also help them to overcome obstacles by leading them through their own challenges.
Conducting a self-mastery 360 review can provide valuable insights into your leadership development. By seeking feedback from peers, subordinates, and superiors, you can identify areas for improvement and further enhance your ability to lead and inspire others. This HBR article shares some insightful tips on how to make the most of the 360 review process.
One Mastery Tip
I'm halfway through this podcast right now on better parenting:
I love it. Dr. Kennedy offers some great tips on how to improve your interactions with your kids and your partner.
How does this relate to business and leadership? In the podcast, Dr. Kennedy shares a very helpful metaphor to explain the concept of boundaries very clearly. She describes a boundary as something we tell someone else we will do, and it requires the other person to do nothing. When you set a boundary that is dependent on what you're doing, it is not dependent on what someone else does, you retain a lot of power.
When we define what we need to feel secure and healthy, when we need it, and create tools to protect those parts of ourselves, we can do wonders for our well-being at work and at home — which, in turn, allows us to bring our best selves to both places.1
For example, if you have a policy of not checking emails after a certain time, you have set the expectation for yourself, but the other person has no obligation to follow it.
Here is a helpful framework to start to figure out what boundaries you might need in your work and life.
Today's Quote
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ~ Carl Jung
One Resource
A book I'm absolutely loving right now is Clear Thinking by Shane Parrish. It's helping me to think more critically and challenge my own biases, which, as I shared earlier in this newsletter is something I love to do.
I especially appreciate that Shane shares wisdom from thought leaders across all walks of life, and includes research-based information together in an easily digestible way.
One of my favourite quotes from the book are, "Most people go through life assuming that we’re right about everything all the time and that people who don’t see things our way are wrong. We mistake how we want the world to be with how it actually is. The subject doesn’t matter: we’re right about politics, other people, our memories; you name it. We mistake what we believe for the true facts.
Of course, we can’t be right about everything all the time. Everyone makes mistakes or misremembers some things. But we still want to feel right all the time, and ideally get other people to reinforce that feeling. Hence, we channel inordinate amounts of energy to proving to others—or ourselves—that we’re right. When this happens, we’re less concerned with outcomes and more concerned with protecting our egos."
Until next week!
Sue
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